Cruising to Calm

My motto for 2013 is supposed to be to chill out -- no matter what happens. 

Well, if you've been following this blog, you know that 2013 has thrown a few curve balls my way. I'm still trying to stay pretty chilled out, because really, what good is it stressing about stuff that is beyond my control? 

This past week, the Sailor took me on a cruise. It was in the works for some time, and happened to still fit right into our schedule, despite the timing of my brother's death a few weeks ago. 

I sent the Sailor this card years ago...
It made me smile when I found it in the closet back in South Africa.

A fellow former shipmate and friend of mine sent me a message right before I boarded: 'Hope the cruise is good for your soul...' 

The cruise was indeed good for my soul. There is something calming about being on the water. Warm weather and fabulous food never hurt either. 

 

While on board, I also celebrated my birthday... 

I took in a few sights of the sea... 

 

And of course the palm trees and sunsets on land...

The last day of the cruise, the Sailor and I went to a butterfly conservatory -- quite possibly my favorite excursion of the sail.

Was the cruise good for my soul? Absolutely. Am I going to still aim to be chilled out this year? Most definitely. 

PS: In case you haven't noticed... most of these are Instagram pics. I've only recently discovered how addictive the app is. Follow me there: typingsunflowers.

Two-at-a-Time Sleeves

While creating the blue cardigan the first time, I worked on the sleeves and made them both at the same time. 

The first time I heard of this technique, I thought 'Huh? How can you make two sleeves at once?' 

But after making my first-ever sweater and forgetting how many rows I did from the first sleeve to the second sleeve, I vowed to make both sleeves at a time from there on out. That way, if they were the wrong length, at least they would both be the wrong length. 

Besides, when you make a sweater, sometimes you end up with second sleeve syndrome (similar to 'second sock syndrome', whereby you are too fed up to make the second sock by the time you finish the first one.) 

With this technique, you simply cast on for the first sleeve with one ball of yarn. Then you cast on for the second sleeve with the second ball of yarn. You have to be careful about getting the two balls of yarn tangled together, but I found that if you keep each ball in separate little bags on either side of you, they won't bunch so easily. 

I've also heard that if you are the type of person to get bored with your sweater by the time you get to the sleeves, then you should simply knit the sleeves first. I can attest to this technique, since I had to start everything in my cardigan over again, except the sleeves. Although, if you are also the type of person to skimp on buying extra yarn, you may run out of yarn on the body of the sweater with that method (far better to have shorter sleeves rather than a shorter sweater, right??)

The Great Cardigan Remake - Done

In the midst of everything that happened last week after we got home from our trip, I realized that I never updated you all on the status of the great cardi remake. 

I found these fabulous buttons at a hobby shop and I finally sewed the sleeves on, and put all of the finishing touches on the cardigan. 

I must confess that I was relieved to finish it... but I wasn't super thrilled with it at the end. Maybe it was just too hot in South Africa, or I didn't have the right shirt with me to wear with it.

Now that it's unpacked and I'm cold again, I'm looking for more occasions to wear it.

Write it Out

I have been missing regular doses of writing lately. I know I've been posting things and writing about them... but occasionally I feel the need to hole myself up in a coffee shop and type and type and type for days on end.

It's how I tend to process things. It's the reason I stayed up late to finish that last post about my brother. I needed to write something... I needed to process what I couldn't verbalize to even friends and family.

I had a Psychology teacher at university tell our class that the best way to get through trauma and life in general is to pray it out, run it out, cry it out and write it out.

I have always loved this simplicity. And while I've replaced the running with walking instead over the years, I have definitely gone for the other three with vigor.

No Regrets

Two Thanksgivings ago, I stood in my kitchen with my older brother Matthew, waiting for my mom's pumpkin pies to finish baking. Matt explained to me a little of what the doctor had recently discovered, and I so clearly remember saying, 'Cancer cells? That's ridiculous. We don't have cancer in our family,' and I went back to checking on the pies.

This past Thanksgiving I stood in that same kitchen, and thought back to how different this holiday was from the last one. 

We did indeed have cancer in our family -- my brother was living proof. Christmas came and went, along with 2012, and Matt still trooped on. 

Over this past weekend though, my brother passed away at the age of 40. 

Cancer (and indeed any and all disease...) sucks. I'm not the first person to say it, nor will I be the last. Nearly every person I know has been touched in some way by a relative, friend or colleague who has had cancer. Some have lived, many have died.

When I first discovered Matt had cancer, I went for a walk with a childhood friend. Walking is, after all, the cheapest form of both exercise and therapy. She had recently listened to a radio special on cancer -- and she mentioned how many of the people they interviewed said the disease brought them closer together as a family. 

I was a little skeptical, but as 2012 carried on, those words stayed with me. My brother and I definitely had our differences, especially as we grew into adulthood. I wasn't totally convinced that him having cancer would cure us of our relationship woes. In fact, I thought it might make them worse. But in the end, while it was no doubt one of the most difficult years of my life, I am forever grateful for the extra time I got to spend with Matt. The radio broadcaster was right. Cancer had brought us closer. Cancer still sucked, but good can occasionally spring forth from a bad situation. 

While we continued to pray for a miracle of healing, I think the true miracle was the reconciliation that occurred in our family.

I told Matt how much I loved him while he was still alive. I even wrote him a letter (because I often stink at actually verbalizing my true feelings) and then I read it to him. The letter contained 10 things I wanted him to remember -- I'll share just one with you:

"You were always braver than me – whether it was with a roller coaster, bungee jumping, buying a house, fighting fires, pulling people out of vehicles and now going through cancer. You have definitely trumped me with guts. (I know I gave you some lame excuse about not wanting to hurt myself for an upcoming cross-country race when I didn't go bungee jumping with you, but really, I was scared sh*tless.) The only time I remember you being a chicken was when you had a spider in your room at the A-frame and you wanted me to get rid of it. Now that I think about it… maybe that was just your ploy to get me to do your dirty work?!"

We hugged through tears and sniffles and even a few giggles, and then we had eight more months to reminisce about our childhood. Those were the best moments I shared with him. They are the memories I will cherish in the years to come. And in the moments after he died, I thought to myself, "I'm so glad I gave him that letter so many months ago."   

No regrets about anything left unsaid.

But I know life will never quite be the same. C.S. Lewis says in his book, The Four Loves: 

"If, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A, but ‘A’s part in C’ and C loses not only A, but ‘A’s part in B’."

I have always appreciated this poignant quote, because whenever death occurs, it not only affects you, it affects those around you who also knew that person, and therefore it changes your relationship with those people, even if only slightly. 

I will feel my brother's absence not only in my own realm, but in the lives of those he touched throughout his life. 

Matt and me -- circa 80s

Watching my only sibling deal with cancer changed me. Life really is too short. Live with no regrets. Forgive. Move on. Get in touch with friends you have been meaning to get in touch with. Write a letter. Encourage someone. Tell and show others how much you love them. 

And the next time you encounter someone going through something as big as cancer, remind them of their bravery, and then let them know they are not alone. Matt would have liked that.